Are You Sure?

I was having lunch in a local restaurant recently and heard a woman say to her small granddaughter, “Are you sure you have to go to the bathroom?” as they walked past me to the ladies room. This brief exchange left me to wonder why we question our children so much. Does it really matter if that small child had to go or not? Why not take the time to allow her to act on her desire, regardless of the outcome. On so many occasions, we question what has been stated or decided by our children. I don’t believe such questioning is meant to undermine our children’s self-confidence, as the questioning intent is often benign or merely a reflection of our preoccupied state. I find myself questioning my daughter from time to time … “Are you sure?” As I reflected further, I couldn’t find an example of a time when the question was necessary.

I wondered whether repetitive questioning of a child’s decisions and actions communicated our lack of faith in a child’s abilities. Worse yet, perhaps this perceived lack of faith of adults in a child’s life would be integrated as a lack of faith in the self. When I work with parents of children and teens, I find that most of the questioning comes from concerns that the child or adolescent won’t make good decisions, learn to be independent, or function adequately in the world. Yet, the adolescents especially put voice to their experience with such questions when they say their parents don’t trust them or believe they have the ability to master something or work out challenges. They feel badly in such situations when these important adults don’t positively support their efforts, regardless of the mistakes made along the way. Parents are not alone in engaging in what I call an “empathic miss,” as this is a frequent activity within interpersonal relationships. We often miss the opportunity to offer another what they need most to feel empowered to draw upon their inner resources.

Often, when such questioning is persistent, a child grows into a teenager who backs away from the task that is the focus of the question. So, avoidance of studying, responsibility, or work becomes a defense against a parent’s questioning. The result? More questioning. It is a cycle that can be broken when a parent becomes aware of this often unconscious habit and is able to find new habits that honor their adolescent’s attempts to make their way in the world. This is not always easy when their kids fall or fail, yet the years of questioning have not seemed to help the adolescent acquire the confident and independent functioning in the world that is the parent’s intent. So, why not examine a new way of communicating to your child so that you empower them to use their skills, strengths, intelligence, and courage to make decisions for themselves?

As my musings were completed, I saw the grandmother and the young girl coming out of the bathroom. The girl looked frightened and the grandmother had her hand on her shoulder. As they passed, I heard the grandmother say, “ It was just the flushing sound. I know it was loud and scary, but it won’t hurt you. I’m here and you are safe.” Her kind tone validated the child by accepting her fear without criticism, while the comforting hand and reassuring presence lent support to the child.

Such empathic understanding is another important hallmark of the parents’ contribution to their children’s upbringing. Parents, teachers, and other adults in a child’s life have countless opportunities to empower or undermine. It is a natural part of the human experience. We engage in the “empathic miss” when we doubt, undermine, or belittle our children’s trust in themselves or in us. We also validate our children’s ideas, decisions, and actions as we soothe them and confirm their worth, regardless of the outcome of their choices.

Let us become more conscious of the effect of our interactions with the children in this world. Regardless of your role with children, adolescents, and young adults, why not increase your awareness of how you are empowering them to have faith in themselves and when you actually undermine them, even if inadvertently? The child who is questioned will learn to question herself. The child who is empowered will learn to be confident in his choices. Join with me as we consciously contribute to the future by empowering and validating the world’s children at every opportunity.

Deep Holes and New Streets

An Autobiography In Five Chapters

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
But it takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in, again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
It isn’t my fault.
But it still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in … it’s a habit … but now my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

                                - Author unknown

I have always enjoyed the reminder that this poem offers. While it provides a helpful way of viewing our “life progress,” it is important to remember that we are multifaceted beings as we vary in our developmental process in different areas of our lives. We might find ourselves in chapter 3 in our relationship with our significant other, chapter 1 in career challenges, and chapter 4 with regard to parenting. There are lots of levels to all of the challenges or lessons we encounter within our lives. We may have moved on to chapter 4 with regard to our relationship to money, friends, or ourselves, only to return to earlier “chapters” as we hit yet another bump in the road in these areas.

When we recognize that we are not moving along a direct trajectory through our autobiography in a singular fashion, we can make better use of the simple road map this poem offers. We can move gently out of self-judgment (or judgment of others), to recognize that we are simply moving forward or backward through our chapters. All movement is progress. This view allows for a more gentle assessment of ourselves and others when we recognize that a return to an earlier chapter may simply reflect a new level of challenge surfacing. As we become more proficient in the skills needed to master an area of our life, more of what is to be healed may then safely surface.

I would only change one word in this autobiography. As the statement in chapters 1 and 2, “It is not my fault” indicates the experience of being victimized, this understanding has changed in chapter 3. I believe the “It is my fault” represents an acceptance of responsibility rather than a self-judgment. Perhaps reading this line as indicating ownership of our choices and actions, rather than acceptance of blame, will allow us to spring out of the hole more easily.

Enjoy the journey.

Denying Moments

Years ago, I stopped at a convenience store to use their ATM machine after a long day and evening at work. I recall feeling the effort of getting out of the car and waiting for the person in front of me to withdraw his money. I was in a fog. The man turned and spoke to me, yet I missed what he said, so deep was my fog. “There is another machine there,” he repeated kindly. As I looked to where he was pointing, I saw a second ATM machine directly in front of where I was standing. I was struck by how easy it was to miss what was already right in front of me. This led me to contemplate how many times I had missed what was “already there” because I was preoccupied, tired, caught in negative mood, or simply not looking to see what the moment offered me.

This experience was also a strong reminder for me to return to my more natural state of balance where I would be present to people, experiences, and gifts that flowed naturally to me all the time. It reminded me that these opportunities were always present, regardless of whether I observed or received them. When we are stressed, tired, or caught up in a dramatic experience, we tend to miss what is in front of us and our vitality and natural tendency toward joy diminishes. Rather than judge ourselves in those times, we can simply notice that we tipped out of balance and choose to seek ways to restore our balance and ourselves.

Within a few days of my ATM encounter, I was offered a beautiful example of what it was like to be in balance and vitally joyful. After work, as I picked up my daughter from her full day kindergarten, I took the opportunity to observe her in the play yard before she sighted me. I watched her play a rambunctious game of tag, her face bright and her laughter contagious. Upon sighting me, she ran and jumped into my arms before quickly taking off for one last chase of her classmates. Laughing madly, she returned to me covered in wood chips from her final wipeout. Skipping through the hall to gather her creative projects, she eagerly anticipated her next adventure: “What are we going to do now, Mom?” After spending 7 ½ hours learning, socializing, and playing, she is disheveled, filthy, and enthusiastically raring to go. How do you feel and look when you come home from work? Her natural buoyancy was in stark contrast to my fog before the ATM machine. The vitality that flowed from her natural joyful state was catching and I was grateful to be in that moment.

While writing this, Josh Groban offered me a reminder as his song, “Thankful,” flowed through my headset. “Some days we forget to look around us/Some days we can’t see the joy that surrounds us/So caught up inside ourselves/We take when we should give/So for tonight, we pray for what we know can be/And on this day, we hope for what we still can’t see/It’s up to us to be the change/And even though we all can still do more/There’s so much to be thankful for.”

Joy is contagious, as is hope and appreciation. When we allow ourselves to shift our perspective, even just a little, we gently move ourselves into a more balanced state. There is plenty of help in this process, for there is always a reminder of love, happiness, beauty, or kindness nearby. If we look for it. The key is in the decision to look at what is right in front of us. When we are lost in our thoughts, busy schedule, pain, or whatever distracts us, we are denying the moment. Within each moment, there is the opportunity to find something, someone, a memory, or a daydream where there is an offering of vitality, hope, laughter, love, or beauty. Even within apparent negative experiences, there is a an opportunity for us if we are willing to accept it. Allowing the foggy moments and the vital moments to offer us exactly whatever is most beneficial for us at that time, even if we are unaware of their contribution at the time, occurs when we just let each experience be what it is.

Unless we willingly seek our present moments, retraining our automatic focus, we deny the opportunity that exists directly in front of, or within, us. We may not always have the benefit of a kind stranger or joyful child to redirect our attention to the present moment. In such cases, perhaps we just “pray for what we know can be and hope for what we still can’t see.” Releasing our prayer, we can then just rest in the present moment and see what it has to offer us. Choose to see what is there. You might be surprised at what shows up under your nose.

Small Investments, Big Ripples

I recently turned the page in Ode magazine and saw a picture of a Vietnamese woman standing in front of a selection of baskets. Her face glowed and her smile was beautiful despite so many missing teeth. I was captured by the vitality of her picture. Scanning the ad for MicroPlace, I learned that a loan of $25 enabled this woman to start her basket weaving business and begin the ascent out of poverty. I wanted to learn more as I have always sought ways to empower individuals and families to receive the resources that could launch them on their journey to a higher standard of living.

Exploring MicroPlace’s website, I learned of the company’s mission to help alleviate global poverty by enabling everyday people to make investments in the world’s working poor. The founder, Tracey Pettengill Turner, was inspired by the potential of microfinance to contribute to the solution to world poverty. Researching the benefits of microfinance in Bangledesh after graduating from Stanford Business School, Tracey became convinced that these small investments were a powerful tool to alleviate poverty. Upon her return to the United States, she confirmed that the capital markets in the United States were beginning to view microfinance as an attractive investment opportunity. Yet, there was no way she, as an individual, could participate as only major financial players like institutional and high net worth investors could invest. This led Tracey to create MicroPlace.

Currently, MicroPlace is the only website that provides everyday investors the opportunity to make investments in the microfinance industry. The microfinance industry’s utilization of investment capital allows for greater impact upon a solution for global poverty rather than simply depending upon donation capital which some judged insufficient. As more investors find a way to earn financial returns while making a positive difference in the world, the global impact of microfinance expands and the lending institutions are held to a higher standard. MicroPlace became an eBay company in 2006, thus allowing MicroPlace’s vision to partner with eBay’s experience and expertise in worldwide internet transactions and marketing.

As I browsed MicroPlace’s website, I learned that the borrowers are typically the self-employed poor with the majority being women. Navigating my way “around the world,” I read stories of the men and women who received loans to start or expand businesses. With this opportunity, they were able to move beyond the struggle to survive as they improved their families’ living conditions and health, sent their children to school, and hired employees. I was reminded of the power of the ripple effect as I read these success stories. As the borrower and those surrounding them benefited from the opportunity to engage in creative work, lives were changed. As businesses turned profits, loans were repaid and the money was then used for another borrower. And on it goes.

Lending organizations throughout the world, including the United States, specialize in making these small loans to the working poor, as well as offer training, counseling, and health services. When you purchase investments at www.microplace.com from these security issuers, they are responsible for making interest and principal payments directly to you. These investments also offer the potential to receive your investment back at maturity while earning interest during the life of the loan. You may then continue to reinvest and maintain your social impact without having to contribute any additional funds.

Finishing my research, I was ready to create a ripple. I chose Peru as I have benefitted from the wisdom of the shamans in that country. As 13% of the population learn less than $1 a day and more than 6.5 million of the under 18 population (out of 10.2 million) still live below the poverty line, Peru felt like the place for me to begin. I could choose between two lending organizations and identify the amount of the loan. Playing around with the calculator on the page, I found that a $150 investment would enable one person to receive a loan. I chose the option to earn 2.0% annual interest for a loan that matured in 33 months. Easily, I opened an account and sent my ripple off to Peru.

With a 2.0% annual return, do I feel rich? You bet I do! I now understand the vital smile of the Vietnamese woman. My intention is to scatter smiles like that throughout the world. Join me?

Visit www.microplace.com to learn more.

If you enjoyed January/February’s Worthwhile Work article, “Water is Life. Pass it on.,” read more about how Blue Planet Run Foundation provides hope at the African Women and Water Conference.

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